Why aren't we having much (or any) sex?
And how to start a conversation about the intimacy we crave
Most couples I see freely share many relationship issues from the beginning - some before they’ve even sat down on my office’s couch. They find great relief unloading the details of the latest rows and each other's bad habits, and engaging in some mutual recriminations.
It's easy to get caught up in the drama being acted on in front of me and forget to ask about the one subject that they almost never volunteer –sex. When I do bring up the state of their love life, they exchange embarrassed glances – as if asking each other's permission to speak.
'When we do, it's very nice,' said Eliza1, a thirty year old management consultant.
'We are very close and we enjoy cuddling and Sunday morning lie-ins' added her partner Nick, a lawyer. 'That's something you'd miss if we had children.'
If I'd given Eliza and Nick half a chance, they would have reverted to their arguments about when was the right time to start a family and fertility issues. However when I probed deeper, neither Eliza nor Nick could remember the last time they had sex.
It soon became clear they were in, what sex therapists call, a sex-starved relationship -less than ten times a year. Worse still, their love life had been dwindling over a long period–'probably since after we got married' admitted Eliza - and although they had sought advice from a fertility clinic, they had waited five years before seeking my help.
This couple are by no means unique. While our culture in general has become more sexualised than ever before, we're less likely to be actually having sex and we're certainly not talking about it–even to professionals like myself.
Take a look at my new online course My Best Relationship Tools.
Why are we having so little sex?
So what's the problem? Of course, some of it's the obvious – taking our phones and tablets into the bedroom (and catching up on work emails or playing games) and highly addictive porn entering the mainstream and becoming more acceptable.
One of the main issues I see, too, is parents (even of much older children) placing excessive demands on themselves to be always available. In the end, something has to give, and it’s often the sex we need to keep our relationship alive.
'I'm afraid we didn't get a chance to do our sex homework, Kim, fifty, told me. (I had given them a sensual touch exercise.) 'We just didn't have the time’.
‘We did go to bed early last night especially and then our daughter remembered that she needed to hand in her homework and Kim went off to type it up for her and then when she came back to bed she was too tired,' explained her husband Jon, fifty-three.
Although their daughter was seventeen – and more than capable of doing her own typing - Kim found it impossible to say no (even to a request at ten at night).
'But Kim can say “no” to me without a problem,' Jon said bitterly.
'But you want our daughter to do well,' Kim snapped back. Once again being a great Mum and Dad had trumped being a loving Husband and Wife.
Sometimes when I suggest putting a lock on the bedroom door, so parents have a private space and younger children can't just wander in, you'd think I'd suggested sending kids down the mines.
But what if there's an emergency and they need us?' asked Cassie, a thirty-eight year old mum of three.
‘They could knock and shout FIRE’.
‘But it only takes seconds for smoke to sweep through a house.'
However, when we looked deeper at her resistance, I found a far bigger problem. Cassie was outsourcing responsibility to her partner for her sex life – and then being angry when he did not deliver.
'I need him to turn me on and bring me out of mummy mode,' she explained, 'otherwise I'm running over a list of what they need for school tomorrow and what I have for their packed lunches’.
Meanwhile, her husband, Mark, also thirty-eight, was fed up with being the one to initiate sex. 'It's me who always risks being rejected and being repeatedly turned away. How does that make me feel about myself?'
Carrie didn't say anything, so Mark answered. 'Not very good.' In effect, he had outsourced his self-esteem to Cassie.
'If we do have sex – which is hardly ever – I'm walking around with a big smile on my face for the rest of the day and I'm even more effective at work too’.
Ultimately, we have to be responsible for getting in the right mood for sex ourselves-by learning to switch off from everyday concerns, and by feeling good enough about ourselves, rather than forever needing reassurance from our partner.
Listen to my interview with therapist Irene Fehr on “Why Desire Disappears from Committed Relationships”.
Myths about Sex
Unfortunately, there are lots of myths about desire and sex that make this extremely hard. The most pernicious is that sex should be spontaneous.
Myth: Sex needs to be spontaneous
So when I suggest planning, as one of the bridges from the everyday world of kids, bills and chores into the sensual world of love-making, I meet plenty of resistance–even though we're happy to book concert, theatre or plane tickets and arrange to hook up with friends in advance rather than on the spur of the moment.
Partly it's a hangover from our Victorian past where sex is OK as long as we're swept away on a wave of passion–and therefore not fully responsible.
Myth: It has to be all or nothing
There’s also an element of anxiety. Sheila, fifty-eight, said: 'What if we plan but I'm not in the mood for sex?'
Sheila and Patrick had been together for over thirty five years, their children had grown up and Patrick's work was becoming less demanding. They should have been having the best sex of their marriage but they had fallen into another trap that promotes low sex: all or nothing.
They either had full intercourse or stayed over on their own side of the bed.'I have to be sure that I'd be able to deliver,' Patrick explained, 'because I didn't want to start and not be able to finish and actually I didn't think that Sheila was interested in sex’.
“And I thought he was too tired from work or depressed or having an affair and not interested in me,' Sheila replied.
I could think of nothing sadder than both wanting sex but being unable to talk about it for fear of upsetting the other. So I initiated a programme to break 'All or Nothing' where they would cuddle on the sofa while watching TV.
'I suppose I've worried about asking him to join me in case he thought it was an invitation for sex,' said Sheila.
In addition to giving permission for a cuddle to be 'just' a cuddle, I suggested introducing masturbation into their lovemaking – so they had other options than full intercourse. Therefore, when Sheila asked what to do if they planned an early night and they weren't in the mood, I turned the question back to her to answer:
'We could put on some relaxing music and dance and cuddle or have a hot bath together,' she replied, 'and who knows we might get into the mood, or we could just enjoy being intimate together.'
Myth: you feel desire or you don’t.
Interestingly, Sheila had challenged another myth about sex: you either feel desire or you don't. In reality, desire takes time to build and it comes and goes (and sensual touch is a great way to both enter into the zone and to bring it back if you're distracted).
How to Bring Back Intimacy
Ultimately what counts is the quality rather than the quantity of sex. So please don't feel that you have to hit a national target.
However, if you'd like to improve your frequency, try these three tips as a starting-point:
Flirt with your partner during the day (sending sexy texts, exchanging private jokes and compliments) so you build sexual connection.
Coordinate bedtimes and body clocks (so you go to bed and get up at the same time) to maximise the possibility of sex.
Switch off electronic devices in the bedroom (and that includes the TV) so you don't undo all your good work.
The better you know someone, the easier it should be to talk about sex. Unfortunately, the opposite is more likely to be true. Here are some simple tips for starting a positive conversation about your sex life:
Never talk about sex in the bedroom. Although your bedroom is a private space, it is too loaded for such an intimate discussion.
Don’t start the conversation right after you are intimate. If the conversation happens after sex, one partner can easily take it as a bad review.
Concentrate on the positive. Talk about what's good.‘I really enjoy our lovemaking’ or ‘I was thinking about that wonderful time when we.......’ Follow up with a question that invites your partner to think creatively: ‘How can we build on that?’
If you have any complaints frame them in a positive way. Instead of ‘You’re too rough’ phrase it as ‘I like it when you really take your time ’
Avoid words that up the stakes. As soon as you say ‘never’ or ‘always’, your partner will start to get defensive or remember the exception to the rule and start a row. Own the statements: ‘I feel.....’ rather than ‘you make me feel’.
Be as specific as possible. Instead of saying ‘I’d like longer cuddles’ which could mean anything, give an indication: ‘I’d like us to cuddle for at least five minutes’, otherwise your partner might be thinking you’re asking for hours of foreplay. Instead of ‘I wish you’d make more of an effort’, which could mean anything, ask for what you really want: ‘Can you wear that lingerie I bought you?’
Show rather than tell. When communicating during lovemaking, a touch is worth a thousand words. So take your partner’s hand and put it where you’d like to be caressed, guide his or her hand by pushing it down (if you want a firmer touch) or raising it slightly (if you’d like him or her to gentler).
If things go wrong, have a cuddle rather than talk (you can post-mortem another time) and never turn your back in a huff (this will be interpreted as rejection).
In other news, I’ve recorded new podcast interviews on Emotionally Immature Parents (with Dr Kai Tai Kevin Qiu) and Emotional Eating (with Dr Pam Spurr) - if these grab you, please listen and let me know what you think!
As always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew
All names and identifying details have been changed; and case studies are composites, used with clients’ permission.