Five Questions from Readers Living Through Infidelity
I answer your questions about the process of recovery
Dear all,
For this October newsletter, I’ve decided to opt for one of my favourite ways to write about infidelity: answering your questions1.
Clients always tell me that they find a lot of wisdom in hearing how other couples approach things. When you’re living through the horror show of a partner’s betrayal, it can also be deeply comforting to know that you’re not alone.
The situations here are different, but each answer contains tools and concepts you will hopefully find useful.
Question One: We Still Haven’t Properly Talked About the Affair After Five Years.
Q. My wife had an affair five years ago, and has barely expressed any remorse or empathy. A month ago, she did agree to discuss it a bit more, but all she would say was that it was “insignificant”. Unfortunately, I still love her, and I’m hanging onto hope that one day her armour will crack, thanks to my love, energy and tenacity.
I am left with severe trust issues, though, and constantly replay images of the affair in my brain. I feel like I’m suffering from PTSD. In my opinion, she is potentially a narcissist, because she had very controlling parents who gave little consideration to her feelings.
What should I do?
(Piers, writing from New Zealand)
A. I’m really sorry to hear about your wife’s affair and how she cannot face the impact on you and your family. It is probably because she is overwhelmed by shame – which is the most toxic of feelings. We’ll do almost anything to avoid it, because it makes us feel totally unlovable (and therefore we close down to avoid it).
I would question whether it is helpful to brand your wife as a narcissist. Has she had a proper diagnosis from a qualified professional or have you just answered a questionnaire on the internet on her behalf? A label puts someone in a box and stops you asking why she might be behaving in a certain way. Finally, you’re doing really well but it sounds like you need support to deal with your PTSD. So please consult a professional yourself.
Question Two: My Husband Doesn’t Know Why He Had an Affair
Q. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and I found out 7 weeks ago that he’s been cheating on me for 18 months with numerous different women. When I confronted him, he said they meant nothing to him, but the text messages I’ve read are all about how he how much he loves them, misses them, and is crazy about them, and how they are sexy and beautiful. I find it hard to believe all that just meant nothing, and can suddenly stop.
My big concern is that he says he doesn’t know why he did it – so how can we move forward? Please tell me your thoughts on this.
(Mandy, writing from the UK).
A. Your husband wants to make this problem go away and so he’s minimising what he did, partly to make you feel better but also because he is deeply ashamed of his behaviour.
Unfortunately, in his rush, he’s not looked at why he spent so much time and energy pursuing other women, lying and being unfaithful. I have some sympathy with his claim not to know ‘why’, because men are not trained to look and understand their feelings, but your husband doesn’t even seem to have started to ask himself what on earth has gone wrong here.
I would reassure you that you’re right not to trust him. Please understand that trust comes right at the end of the recovery process – not the beginning. If he truly can’t think of anything about his upbringing (and the messages about sex that he received), or about the problems at the moment in his life (that’s he’s medicating away with the buzz from these other women) or issues with your marriage (that he’s not owning up to right now), then perhaps he should get some professional help and the two of you should see a marital therapist.
Question Three: I'm So Angry At My Husband I Can’t Even Talk To Him.
Q. I found out 3 weeks ago my husband had an affair for 4 months (right before Thanksgiving). We have 2 small kids. He has given me all kinds of stories about what happened, none of the details match up, and right now I don’t believe anything he tells me. He answers all my questions, but I know half of it is lies.
He tells me he can’t remember certain things because she didn’t mean anything to him and it was just sex. He said he had low self-esteem and was depressed and she desired him and was attracted to him. He was weak.
My husband says he is sorry and ashamed and remorseful. He says he wants to fight for his marriage.
I kicked him out the day I found out. I cannot even look at him and I do not want him to even touch me. Now I don’t know where to go from here.
(Kellie, writing from the USA)
A. You’re still in the first stage of affair discovery – “shock and disbelief”. Have a look at my book ‘How Can I Ever Trust You Again?’ as it will explain the next stage, which is “intense questioning”. It has lots of tips on how to get the most productive answers, but here’s one to be going on with: keep calm!
I know it is tough to be calm in these awful circumstances, but if you get emotional, he will feel even guiltier (and therefore try to minimise to himself and to you what he did) or try and make you feel better (again by saying ‘it meant nothing’ and trying to pacify you) or he will just get overloaded and close down. So take deep breaths, more deep breaths and after a conversation about the affair thank him for what he’s told you (as this encourages more information next time round).
Have you read my new free PDF Guide, How To Tell Your Partner Difficult Things?
Question Four: How Can We Finally Let Go?
Q. It has been almost 2 years now since my husband of 25 years had a 5-week affair with the wife of our best friend. Our best friend had just died, and my husband felt he was trying to help her. We both now know what a huge mistake he made. We have renewed our vows and are learning and healing from this.
At the same time, I still don’t feel that he has been 100% honest, and I know there are pieces missing. I guess the heartbreak is double, because I was betrayed by a husband and by a friend. My question is, how can I let it go completely?
(Sandi, writing from the UK)
A. My first partner died a long time ago, but I can still remember the madness of grief. So although I find your friend’s behaviour wrong, I sort of understand because I did many stupid things to feel better. Your husband has been sucked into this madness by the intimacy of helping someone deal with raw emotions.
So what do you make of this affair? I think you should take it as a warning sign that your marriage had cracks, the affair has broken them open and they need to be fixed. So get reading about affairs and understand more about bereavement and the crazy things people do (and don’t forget you’re both grieving the loss of a friend too). Finally, I’d ask you to be gentle on yourself because you’ve been through a big shock. Don’t ask yourself to “leave this behind”, before you’ve properly grieved.
Question Five: I Betrayed My Wife and She Won’t Believe Anything I Say About the Affair
Q. I’m the cheater. I have now told my partner the full truth – however, it now feels like she wants to constantly punish me. Whilst I understand the anger, the hurt, the feeling of being a fool and the disbelief; it appears as though my partner is fixated on small things that are not really relevant.
I understand I am 100% to blame for the damage I’ve done to her and our relationship. However, whenever I answer a question, I constantly get told the answer can’t possibly be what I’m saying and that I must be lying because “we all know now that I’m very capable of lying”.
I am telling the truth, but I feel like my wife doubts me because my affair doesn’t match the general textbook type of affair. She seems to want me to answer in a certain way that would make sense according to what she’s been reading. I can’t answer that way, and therefore I can’t give her what she needs. How are we to move forward?
(Dan, writing from the UK).
Firstly, you’ve got to understand that your wife is very hurt. She thought she knew you but you’ve turned into a stranger. It sounds like you’re surprised by your own behaviour too – which I have to say is quite common. Infidelity makes many men realise that they’re more complicated than the regular straightforward guy they always pictured themselves being.
So what do you do? Firstly, don’t debate with her, because she will always hold the trump card of the affair. Instead, just listen to her. I know that’s hard but nod and say “tell me more?”
I know you’ve probably been trained to ‘fix’ women’s problems and ‘make everything better’ but just listening calmly and repeating back the main points again will make her feel heard.
Finally, I would resolve to understand yourself better. This will make her feel a whole lot better because it makes her feel that you’re doing something to stop a repeat (rather than pushing everything under the carpet). Have a look at my books ‘Wake Up and Change Your Life’, and Why Did I Cheat? Good luck and be patient with her and yourself.
In other news, I have some great new podcast interviews for you:
I’m Mindful, Now What?, with Buddhist author and teacher Andrew Holecek
Slow Sex: How Tantra Can Revolutionise Your Love Life, with tantra expert Diana Richardson.
The Attachment Solution with therapist Charisse Cooke.
If these grab you, please listen and let me know what you think!
As always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew
All names and identifying details have been changed.