Will my partner EVER go back to work?
Years of enforced togetherness are taking their toll on our relationships....
Couple after couple are coming to my office these days needing help coping with the extreme amount of time they are spending together. Marriage wasn’t meant to be like this. A successful marriage is like a plant, fed by the nutrients we bring to it from the outside world.
Chats with colleagues, commutes, healthy exhaustion from a day out in the world - it now seems that for many of us, those were essential both for getting on well together, and for feeling attracted to our spouse.
How can we feel passion for that person who’s taken over our office, still refuses to clean up their lunch, and yells at the kids to be quiet for yet another “important meeting”?
Since the pandemic started, we’ve been in emergency mode, coping the best we could, or often, not coping at all. Now it seems that working from home is no longer an emergency measure, but a massive cultural shift.
The secret is, to make it work, we need to take a step back. If it still feels all wrong at this point, there’s some communication and compromise that will need to happen. Last week I wrote all about how to achieve this, and about different couples’ experiences, in this Daily Mail article: Working from Home Could Spell Disaster for Your Marriage.
When does smartphone messaging become inappropriate?
These days, many of us have an uneasy relationship with technology. All marriage therapists have seen the smartphone emerge as a huge factor in infidelity. Phones open up an often irresistible path to secretive communication, which can start off innocently and then lead people down a path they come to regret.
It’s also very easy for partners to blur the lines of acceptability. They may claim that the other person is just a friend or that the messaging is only for work. They may make you feel “gaslit” - implying that your suspicions are irrational or mean-spirited.
Common questions people bring to me include:
Can texting another woman really be cheating?
Is it OK if your husband has “no intention of meeting up” with her?
What about “just looking” on an adult dating site?
When exactly is someone not “just a friend”?
Take a look at this article for some advice on what to do if your partner’s use of their phone is giving you cause for concern: Husband Texting Another Woman: What Should I Do? Five Reasons to Act Now.
Turn Your Anxiety Around
If you dread parties, can’t face job interviews, or won’t start scary conversations with your partner, then you’re probably one of the many people who experience high levels of everyday anxiety.
Last week, I spoke to Dr Wendy Suzuki, about her new book, Good Anxiety Wendy argues that rather than trying to “recover” from anxiety, we can make it work for us. She shared some brilliant strategies for harnessing your anxiety and putting it to good use. We discussed:
⚡️What “good anxiety” is, and how to channel it in the right direction.
⚡️How anxiety can lead to productivity and creativity.
⚡️Meditation, tea-drinking, and the jujitsu move that turns anxiety around.
Listen to my The Meaningful Life interview with Wendy Suzuki here.
And as always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew