Why I Hate the Word "Soulmate"
The pressure to be everything to each other is too much to bear.
When I started working as a marital therapist thirty years ago, nobody used the word “soulmate”. It was something that belonged in Hollywood or a romance novel; and definitely NOT in the South Downs or rainy London.
If I’d asked whether a couple were soulmates or whether a single person was looking for one, they would have stared at me blankly, expected me to light incense and suggest chanting, or simply laughed.
Today, the term is used by around half the people who seek my help. Single women worry there is something wrong with them because they can't find their soulmate or don’t know whether their current boyfriend fits the bill.
Married women come to me devastated because husbands are rewriting history, claiming they were “never that into you” or insisting that one nasty argument means 'we're not meant to be together'.
But what does ‘soulmate’ really mean and why does my heart sink every time I hear it? According to myth, soulmates not only have a deep connection but love and accept EVERYTHING about each other. It suggests having similar tastes and interests and doing everything together. In fact, the connection is so profound that all differences simply fall away. So there is no need for any arguments, because each partner fundamentally ‘gets’ the other.
In the movies, you know the seemingly mismatched couple are really soulmates when they perform karaoke and miraculously both know the words to some obscure song. All their problems melt away, confessions of undying love and marriage on the beach are now only a few frames away.
Why are we so in love with the idea of soulmates?
The inference is that once you find your soulmate there are no rows and you will be accepted, unquestioningly, for who you are. No wonder everybody wants one – particularly this generation, many of whom had a front row seat for their parents’ divorce.
Obviously, the concept is totally devoid of realism but we need to believe that something will save us from repeating our parent's mistakes, and why not love? After all, in the crazy honeymoon phase, as those karaoke favourites promise, love can 'lift us up'.
I don’t want ordinary love. I want something passionate with someone I truly respect. Unfortunately, I find few men that I’m really attracted to (Josie, 31).
Josie (not her real name) is an attractive 31-year-old with a high-powered job. Her parents had split when she was ten and the fall-out had been so bitter that over 20 years later, her mother and father could not be in the same room together and had only spoken on the phone in a handful of emergencies.
Although you’d expect these experiences to make someone cynical about relationships, like many children of divorce, Josie longed for the transforming power of love. She just had to find the right person - but this is where her problems only deepened.
Instead of looking for a good man - as her mother or grandmother would have done - modern society holds out the promise of the all singing, all dancing technicolour soulmate who's not only flawless but also perfect for her.
This search for an over-powering connection had made Josie ping-pong between two types of lovers. She explains:
Firstly, I will go out with nice guys who look great on paper – so I will talk myself into giving it a try – but there is no real connection.
Unfortunately, the myth of soulmates puts all the focus on the initial chemistry and instead of allowing time to grow and develop together, she had broken up several perfectly good relationships. In fact, I knew our counselling was progressing when she told me:
I was thinking back over my previous relationships and wondering which ones of them would have worked if only I knew then what I know now.
The second type in Josie’s dating history was bad boys. She says:
They are totally unsuitable – they drink too much, are workaholics or troubled souls – but the relationships are passionate, short and deeply emotional. Normally, with one or both of us crying late into the night.
The most recent example was an actor who Josie knew already had a girlfriend.
I met him at a party and we really clicked. My pulse was racing and I felt all lightheaded.
Sadly, the myth of soulmates means many women confuse passion and fear – as both make our hearts beat faster. When we discussed her relationship further and what being the ‘other woman’ did to Josie’s self-esteem, I asked:
Instead of intense attraction, could your subconscious have been pumping adrenaline round your body because it was saying “run, run, run”?
I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You
The myth of soulmates is also behind another 21st century phenomena: ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.’ Instead of couples divorcing because they hate each other, I see many who are on the verge of splitting because one partner does not love the other enough to stay.
We’ve always been best friends, soulmates and supporters of each other’s dreams (Sophie, 40).
Sophie and her husband Joel were regarded by all their friends as the perfect couple. They had two children and a successful business they’d created together. In many ways, they had a lot to celebrate, but Sophie and Joel had never really argued. According to Joel,
I suppose we’ve agreed on most things, because we have the same values.
Unfortunately, it is not possible for two people to live in complete harmony without one or both partner:
Rationalising away their differences (it doesn’t really matter),
Detaching (we’ll agree to differ)
Or avoiding conflict (anything for a quiet life).
Although this works in the short term, eventually ALL feelings are switched off – not just the negative ones. In effect, arguing too little is just as dangerous as arguing too much.
A good row would have brought all the hidden issues up to the surface, and anger can create a sense that ‘something must be done’, but that goes against the idea of soulmates. So people bite back their frustration, not so much to prove that they are still soulmates but because they're sure that their partner will guess what they are really feeling. As nobody is a mind reader – however much they love someone – this stores up resentment for the future.
In the worst cases, one partner will begin to question if they truly were soulmates and decide to end the marriage. The pressure to be everything to each other and share values - like soulmates - had began to rob Sophie and Joel of their own individual identities. Joel hardly ever played golf, although it was one of his major passions, and Sophie had not pursued her desire to take a creative writing course. Instead they had focused on shared interests: eating out, entertaining and a holiday cottage.
Shortly before Sophie’s 40th birthday, she woke up and thought:
My life feels flat and boring. My marriage is cosy and routine. Worse still, I don’t really know who I am or what I want any more.
If relationships are built solely on connection and passion rather than a shared past, wanting the best for your children, companionship, supporting each other or meaning and keeping your marriage vows, what happens when the grind of earning a living and raising a family enters the equation?
“Did I miss my chance at finding my soulmate?” (and other questions to destroy your marriage)
The myth of soulmates can provide a fig leaf to convince some people that it is okay to cheat on their partner because what counts is not right or wrong, or the impact on other people but how the lovers are 'destined' to be together.
Another of my clients, Clive, forty eight, fell into this trap after meeting a woman he felt attracted to at a work conference:
We were on the same wavelength, she truly understood me and my work. But my wife would hardly notice me when I came home or would ask “how did it go?” but not listen to my answer.
Clive felt that he could talk to his new lover about anything, for hours, and she'd care passionately about the details. He was sure that they were in fact soulmates, and shared a love that could not be denied.
When Clive and his mistress left their respective partners, they thought they were setting off on a new life together, but eight weeks later Clive returned home.
My lover was not like I’d imagined but, more importantly, I discovered that I only knew part of her –what she was like away from responsibilities and children.
Although his wife, Miranda, took him back, she was devastated - not so much by the sexual infidelity but the emotional connection between Clive and his mistress.
If we’re not soulmates, what are we?
It is not just the havoc caused by the myth of soulmates that makes me angry but how it obscures the REAL ingredients for a successful long-term partnership. Instead of worrying about the heady connection with a so-called soulmate, people should focus on what really counts. Top of the list is good relationship skills. I believe these are:
How well couples argue - especially keeping it to one subject at a time,
Being respectful of each others opinions and finding compromise
Being open and upfront about feelings
Listening without interrupting or making assumptions.
Couples also need distance as well as closeness to keep the sexual spark alive. Time apart, separate interests and knowing there is always something more to discover about your partner promotes intrigue, excitement and desire.
Being different should also be regarded as an asset – not a problem – as each partner can bring complementary skills. For example, it helps to have one half who is more emotional or in touch with their feelings (as this brings issues up to the surface where they can be solved) but equally it is useful for the other half to be rational and have their feet on the ground (to keep a sense of proportion and get on with life).
Finally, relationships need strength of character as much as a passionate connection, so that a couple is not defeated by the first piece of adversity.
In my podcast interview with my fellow marital therapist Terry Real, The Five Traps that Undermine Your Love & One Simple Solution, we discussed some of the ways you and your partner can find the strength to be together in a deeper and more genuinely intimate way.
And the good news is that overcoming problems really binds people together - more than all the karaoke singing in the world. Rating our relationships on how connected we feel is making us miserable and leaving us helpless when something goes wrong. That’s why I believe we should banish the words ‘soulmate’ from our vocabulary and focus instead on improving relationship skills and accepting our differences.
And there’s a bonus: when you begin to communicate effectively with your partner, all the loving feelings come flooding back again
In other news, I’ve had Australian author/teacher Daisy Turnbull on my podcast chatting with me about How to Talk to Teenagers (surprising how many of her tips also apply to talking to your partner!), as well as my good friend Alan Lessik (writer and Zen Buddhist) on the very timely topic of How to Deal With Change.
And as always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew