The urge to control our partner
And how to let it go....
Who’s more “in control” has always been a dark corner that most couples would rather not examine.
Yet with the advent of the digital age, and the constant diet of “shoulds” being fed to us via social media, we now have a different relationship to the whole idea of control.
Mainly, we like the idea that we might be able to have it. We obsess over which school to choose for our children, we vote people off television shows, and we are highly vigilant about what we eat.
At the same time, we feel perhaps control is slipping away - we can’t keep ourselves off our phones, we’re in the midst of a climate crisis, and paying the bills gets harder every month.
For many people, this combination - a very strong desire to control with anxiety over whether that’s even possible - is also a factor in their relationships. You might not be surprised to hear that this brings great unhappiness and can even be a main factor in divorce.
Thirty-plus years ago, when I started as a marital therapist, I would see a handful of couples where one partner was deliberately trying to control the other. In nearly all cases, it was one aspect of domestic violence.
Today a huge number of couples are in counselling because of power struggles. More often than not, it starts with the day-to-day control issues that all of us can recognise: you want to choose the destination for the family summer holiday, or they have to take charge of the remote control - but unchecked these squabbles can harden into stalemate.
If you’d like to know more about the skills you need to stay connected (and it IS about skills; passion is somewhat overrated), then try my book The Happy Couple’s Handbook. This one is especially useful if your own parents or caregivers weren’t able to model things like constructive conflict; forgiveness; repair; or setting boundaries.
What forms can control take in relationships?
A typical example is Hannah and Adrian, both on their second marriages, who fought in the most common control arena: household chores.
“All I ask for is a bit of help,” complained Hannah, “I pick the dirty clothes off the floor, put them in the washing machine, fold them afterwards and leave clean clothes on the bed. All Adrian has to do is put his away.”
It seemed a fair request but Adrian felt controlled. “I am perfectly willing to help, but Hannah insists that I drop everything and put clothes in the cupboard immediately,” he explained. “She cannot stand a thing out of place and although I like a tidy house, I don’t want to worry if I’ve folded the shower towels properly or whether I’ve wiped the sink after I’ve washed my hands. I can’t live in a showroom.”
Their relationship reached crisis point because Adrian was becoming increasingly obstinate and because Hannah felt that she was being subjected to regressive gender roles. In her eyes, Adrian was showing a lack of respect for her and for women in general.
Another time when you might be tempted to control your partner’s behaviour is after an affair. On the face of it, this seems perfectly justifiable, but again it poisons an already difficult atmosphere.
Carrie, in her early forties, discovered that Joe, in his early thirties, had been unfaithful with a work colleague. After a lot of heartache, they decided to try again and Joe transferred to a different office in order to end day-to-day contact with the affair partner.
“Six months later, Carrie still checks my emails and phone, on a daily basis, and I have to come home straight from work -as even ten minutes late can trigger a huge fight,” Joe complained.
“But I discover things like he had a meeting where she attended,” countered Carrie, “I picture them laughing and chatting - maybe even sitting next to each other. How can he expect me to put up with this?”
She had now demanded that Joe quit his job. “I would resent that for the rest of my life, because I love my job,” Joe explained.
Their fights were escalating as each half tried to convince the other to bow to their will.
How do we respond to efforts to control us?
If your behaviour, or that of your partner, tips over from standing up for yourself into controlling, there are only four options for the other person.
The most obvious choice, and the one that the controlling person hopes will happen, is to simply accept the demands. At first sight, these control/ compliance relationship can run reasonably smoothly.
“My husband hated me going out in the evening, so at the last minute he would always say something like ‘I thought we could watch a movie and stay in together,’” explained Deirdre, a forty two year old mother of two.
“If I didn’t go along with his plan, he’d sulk for days and the kids would get upset -ultimately the price for a night out with the girls was just too high. So I’d back down.”
However after ten years of compliance, Deirdre had had enough and was considering leaving. “I’ve lost my identity,” she complained.
At this point, she picked the second possible reaction to being controlled. She rebelled and began going out in the evening just to make a point. It goes without saying that few relationships can survive long in the control / rebellion position.
The third option, and the most common response to someone trying to control us, is to become passive aggressive. If you have teenage children, you will recognise this strategy immediately: when you ask for something, the other person appears compliant enough but later finds a million excuses for not having co-operated.
Going back to Hannah and Adrian and their washing, Adrian was actually very angry, but rather than confronting Hannah, found sneaky ways to fight back. He agreed to do the washing, but ‘accidentally’ threw one of her hand-wash-only jumpers into the machine. He also knew that if he left the washing on the bed for long enough, Hannah would crack and put it away.
Interestingly, neither partner felt very powerful. “I have to nag to get the slightest thing done and it’s exhausting and unfair. I feel like I’m living in the 1950s” complained Hannah.
Adrian’s power was entirely negative; he could stop Hannah having her own way but could not directly express his own needs.
The final option is to fight like cat and dog, I call this control / control. If this is you, there is plenty of passion in your relationship. You’ll enjoy making up in the bedroom, but can get overloaded, especially if fate delivers a major crisis.
How you can move past control
So what is the alternative? Take a look at all the decisions that need to be made, not just the contentious ones: bills, holidays, social life, car, garden, DIY, household chores etc. For each heading, decide who is generally in charge. If it seems that one of you has control in more areas that the other, think about how you can balance things up.
In which areas do you share control? Are there some lessons from these categories that can be applied to the rest of your life?
When I did this exercise with Martha and David, both in their early fifties, they had been arguing over a car purchase. It had started to get personal, with David complaining that Martha got a bad deal last time round and Martha countering that David knew nothing about cars.
Effectively, Martha had dug in her heels because David was trespassing into her territory. An extra complication was Martha felt that she had no time to make an exhaustive search, because she was left to organise all the family’s weekend commitments, as David regularly took extra weekend shifts at work.
Eventually we were able to find a compromise by loosening each partner’s grip on their respective territory. David agreed to find time to be more available on the weekends. Martha agreed to consult David on the loan financing and show him the final two cars on her shortlist.
If this middle way appeals to you, look for a way to give each other the final veto over important decisions - but be prepared to use this veto sparingly.
A good tip for defusing a stalemate is to remember that with every dilemma there is no right or wrong answer; just two different opinions.
WHY do partners want control?
With the couple who fought over chores, they had had very different childhood experiences. While Hannah’s parents had valued a “model home” over almost everything else, Adrian’s family was more laissez-faire.
“We would leave washing up in the sink so we could go and feed the ducks at the park pond before it got dark,” explained Adrian, “cleaning could always be done later.”
Without understanding the background to your power struggles, you will be stuck in different trenches: unable to see that both your approach and that of your partner have validity.
The final ingredient for unlocking controlling relationships is a nugget of wisdom that has been used so often that we ignore it. ‘You can’t change anybody but yourself.’
We readily accept this idea but still press on, pushing to change our partner, normally because we are hurting on the inside. So what can be done, especially if your partner seems to be at the root of the pain?
Remember Carrie, who wanted Joe to quit his job because she found the idea of him seeing his affair partner at work impossibly distressing?
I asked Carrie to write down her thought processes: whereby basically a set of random facts and half truths (he has cheated before; they are laughing together; he will do it again) was built up into a cast-iron case. With each step down on paper, Carrie was able to recognise and challenge the panic-driven manner in which she’d analysed the situation. We worked hard on; “accept the feeling, challenge the thought”.
This allowed Joe to be honest about subsequent meetings and Carrie’s fears subsided. By changing her attitude, rather than her partner’s behaviour, she had broken free of the past and her need to control. Best of all, Joe volunteered changes that would make things easier for Carrie - like phoning if he was going to be late.
Ultimately, we are all tempted to try and control our partner, from time to time, but love is built on respect and it is hard to respect a ‘yes’ partner. So actually it’s in our own and our relationship’s best interests not to always get out own way.
Some Triggers of Power Struggles
Babies: our roles and our entire sense of self will change dramatically, especially if one partner gives up work or goes part-time. Exhaustion and over-excited extended family tend to add an edge to every small disagreement.
For ideas on how to manage love when children enter the picture, read my book I Love You But You Always Put Me Last.
Death of a parent: a vivid reminder that we are not immortal. Losing a parent can make us question what we really want from life. Behaviour that one partner might have previously accepted without question becomes a source of rows.
Financial crisis: both partners become convinced their strategy is right with the lines divided between the saver and the spender.
A milestone birthday: change is always frightening and makes the other partner try to tighten their grip. The children might be getting ready to leave home, and struggles that were previously hidden under the complexity of family life come to the surface.
Ideas to Diffuse a Power Struggle
Listen to your partner’s point of view with patience and respect: you might have heard it all a million times before, but try and understand why this situation has become so loaded.
Look for the important things that are NOT being said: a useful prompt is: can you explain why you feel so strongly about this?
Behind nearly every power struggle is fear. Resist the temptation to placate, rationalise away, or dismiss these fears. Instead acknowledge the fears aloud: “So you’re worried that I will...”
When someone has felt truly heard, they will be happy to listen to your concerns. With everything out in the open, you are finally ready to look for a compromise.
In other news, my most recent episode of The Meaningful Life podcast goes into detail about how to build a better relationship with your feelings of anger.
Anger is a powerful emotion, and it often frightens us. Moreover, we’re taught as children (especially girls) to repress and ignore it.
If we can accept feelings of anger and listen to what they’re telling us, though, we’ll feel all kinds of benefits, both emotional and physical.
And as always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) or use this contact form for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew