So your partner needs space....
What this REALLY means and how you can help
Three chilling words: ‘I need space’. You’ve been motoring along happily enough. Okay, your partner might have been a bit moody, acting strangely or picking trivial fights more than usual, but you’ve put it down to pressure at work, or something equally mundane.
Then, out of the blue: ‘I need space’. Immediately, your mind goes into overdrive: what have I done wrong? Is it an affair? And perhaps most importantly: what does ‘I need space’ even mean?
Some people panic and assume their relationship is finished, while others play everything down and try and smooth over the problem. Both strategies are wrong.
Panic makes a difficult situation worse and minimising will probably mean you’re ignoring early warning signs of problems that need to be tackled.
However, there is good news. If you can understand the specific cause of your partner’s ‘space’ issues, and whether he or she is asking for more time for a specific project (at one of the spectrum) or for a complete break (at the other), you can not only help, but significantly improve your relationship too.
Thirty-five years as a marital therapist has shown me that there are four reasons why people need ‘space’. They aren’t all equally serious in the level of risk they present to the relationship, but they all need sensitive handling.
The best friends dilemma
Often, “I need space” is about autonomy. Your partner may simply be looking to claw back more of his or her individual self. If this is the case you might hear:
“you’re always on my back”
“I need time for myself”
And, they may hold back vital information like the dates of family parties so you end up finding out from someone else.
There’s a growing trend for couples to be not just romantic partners but also best friends. Society increasingly seems to ask us to be involved in every corner of each other’s lives.
In the first flush of love or the high of having a new baby, it is easy to put aside personal needs to make your partner happy or for the greater good of the relationship. However, deep down, we all need ‘me time’ as well as family time.
Worse still, your partner could be feeling controlled, as if you have one picture for who she is (driving a practical family car) but somewhere inside she has another (behind the wheel of a sports car).
Although you fear your partner hates your life together and is looking to shed family responsibilities, it is likely he or she is really asking for occasional time away with friends or a few precious hours to spend on a hobby.
What should I do? Don’t justify or defend your own vision of the perfect weekend.
Instead, imagine for a moment that when your partner says he has very little time for himself, every word is true.
If you really think about it, are you the one planning out large chunks of your home life together? Could there be a more fifty/fifty way of doing things? Might he have a point about losing his sense of identity?
Experiment with planning a reasonable amount of time for hobbies and weekends away. Ideally, you can also use this time to pursue some of your own interests. You may well find that your relationship is reinvigorated and refreshed by time spent apart with different people.
Moreover, once your partner no longer feels he has to fight for his space, it is very likely in my experience that he will be more enthusiastic and proactive in planning family fun.
Arguments are going round in circles
The bad news - this one is exhausting and upsetting. The good news - it’s relatively easy to address. If you’re in this particular fix, you’ll be familiar with:
“I’m tired of arguing”
“Have it your own way then”
Your partner walking out in the middle of arguments
Your partner threatening to leave you.
There are two types of relationships that end up with this kind of ‘I need space’ crisis.
Both partners fight like cat and dog, often about small things (and sometimes even about the way they argue).
In the second, one partner (often a woman) is permanently angry, frequently because she feels ignored or not heard. Meanwhile, her partner is almost tiptoeing round the argument. Although men in this situation might hope to avoid a scene, it just makes their partners angrier still.
In both scenarios, nothing is resolved and everybody gets more and more frustrated. If you’re often the angry one, your partner is simply exhausted from all the arguing, or avoiding arguments, and believes that withdrawing and switching off is the only way of coping. At the milder end of the scale, ‘space’ means a chance to lick wounds and recover.
If the rows have been going on for a long-time, though, one partner might have closed down permanently (refusing to argue), stormed out of the house or threatened to leave. At this more serious end, one partner fears that the relationship’s problems might be insoluble, and asking for ‘space’ may indicate a desire for a temporary separation. At some level, your partner may feel they can shock you into truly listening by asking for this.
What should I do? The regular way of solving problems is to pinpoint what has gone wrong and seek a solution. However, when endless arguments have eroded all goodwill between you, this just encourages blame or fault finding-and sparks off another round of rows.
Instead, try the opposite approach and focus on what is working. Tell each other stories about good times from the past together, as this will help you identify your successes and how to build on them.
If either of you says something negative, write it down to be discussed later, but stick with being positive. Next dream about how you’d like things to be. Put as much detail in as possible-for example, about the holidays you want to take together or other joint projects. Finally, discuss how you can turn your dreams into a reality.
To avoid future rows turning nasty, agree that either one of you can ask for ‘time-out’ when you start to fight. Separate for about ten minutes, or until you’ve both calmed down, and then discuss the issues rationally.
Feeling overburdened
Things get dicey when one of you feels absolutely fed up with putting everyone else first. Rather than dealing with this like adults, it isn’t uncommon for one partner to express their feelings about this by staying out late without calling home, or indulging in excessive online shopping.
Many people expect to solve problems on our own. So instead of asking for help, when the stress gets too much, we pretend everything is ‘okay’ and just soldier on (perhaps with some unhealthy self-medication thrown in) until suddenly announcing the need for space.
There are certain life-situations likely to produce this situation:
The crazy early years of child-raising
One of you has a big setback at work
One of you loses a parent - this can make you question everything.
It’s possible that the partner who feels overburdened is under so much pressure that they feel they are about to have a breakdown. You may notice them acting irrationally - for example one moment being wildly excited about a new project, but then quickly dropping it.
In your partner’s mind, creating space between the two of you has come to seem like a way of removing the causes of some of the unbearable stress. If he or she can reduce the demands from you, they may be able to hold onto their sanity.
What should I do? Although in this context the “space” talk will feel like a personal attack, it is really a cry for help.
Instead of feeling angry that the spotlight is on your relationship- when probably it could equally be put on her job or the way parenting is managed - understand that your partner feels overwhelmed by the pressure of his or her role.
So discuss ways that you could take off some of the stress- depending on your situation, this could include downsizing, cutting back on expenses, thinking of ways to pay for more childcare, or asking for family help.
If your partner seems to be having a mid-life identity crisis, sympathise by talking about the changes you’d like to make for the second half of your life (rather than defending how good everything is today or talking about your ‘beautiful children’ or ‘lovely house’ and ‘wonderful circle of friends’). If you help to dream about other possible futures, you will become a support and part of the team through a difficult time, rather than an adversary.
I provide more information about supporting your partner through a midlife crisis in my article Ten Tell-tale Signs of a Midlife Crisis.
The wandering eye
You can almost guarantee that if your partner is seriously attracted to someone else, at some point you will hear the words “I need some space”. You may also be familiar with:
“Were we ever really truly in love?”
“We’ve grown apart”.
The sudden flowering of new interests and opinions.
A sudden increase in time spent getting ready for work.
One of your partner’s work colleagues or friends has clearly crossed the line from being ‘just friends’ into something very dangerous indeed. The two of them are probably no longer talking about the sales figures but sharing secrets about how ‘unhappy’ they are at home.
Online friends are particularly worrying - because people are quicker to trade secrets and fantasies in a virtual relationship, and it is easier for your partner to kid themselves that a sexy text is not really cheating.
Fortunately, if he or she is asking for space it is unlikely that you’re facing a full-blown affair. It is more likely that he or she is fantasising about an affair or, worse, imagining that the new person is a ‘soulmate’.
In this case, wanting ‘space’ can be a handy way for them to keep their options open. On the one hand, they have laid down a marker that your relationship is in trouble and granted themselves permission to discover whether there is a future with the new “friend”. On the other hand, they have not closed the door on the marriage and kids, and can return if it transpires that it was all a big mistake.
What should I do? Don’t accuse your partner of having an affair- this will just create a wall between the two of you and provide further evidence, in his or her mind, of your ‘unreasonableness’. It can also trigger the ‘friendship’ turning sexual.
However, it is vital to get to the bottom of what’s happening. So try asking questions like:
“Have you been talking to someone at work about needing space?”
“Is someone becoming more than a good friend?”
“Have you been having lunch or drinks with someone but haven’t told me?”
If this doesn’t work, try building rapport: “This is painful for both of us”, and offering a carrot to provide a chance to confess:‘I’d much rather hear if there’s a problem now than find out later that you’ve not been completely honest’.
Normally, if you act quickly enough, you can discover what is making your partner unhappy, stop taking each other for granted, and rebuild a better and more fulfilling relationship.
The worst thing you can do in this case is nothing. Trust your intuition and start the real conversation that underlies “I need space”.
What if it’s YOU who needs space?
It may well be that it’s you who is feeling overburdened and under-appreciated. Here are some simple ways to avoid your own crisis.
First, ask for what you want in a clear and effective way. Instead of dropping hints or trying to coax you partner, simply ask for help: ‘Please could you......’ Be wary of adding a preamble, like ‘I don’t often ask...’ as they can switch off before you get to your request or hear it as an attack.
Also avoid phrases like ‘I know you’re busy’ or ‘you’re not going to want to do this’ as you are offering excuses or permission to refuse.
Second, de-stress yourself. We imagine that anger is better out than in, but sometimes this just pumps up our feelings and makes things worse. So instead of getting angry or acting it out (by snapping or sarcasm), try reporting and explaining-f or example:‘I’m fed up because you didn’t.....’
This approach will make it easier for your partner to hear the problem and work on a solution.
Third, stop having sex and start making love. Couples drift apart when they get stuck in the ‘all or nothing’ trap- where you are frightened to offer a cuddle in case it is taken as a green light for sex. So be physically intimate together and enjoy giving each other backrubs and massages without it leading to intercourse.
If any of this struck a chord with you, you might enjoy this week’s The Meaningful Life podcast episode: How to Argue More Productively, with therapist Joanna Harrison.
A perennial favourite on the podcast is also journalist/author Matthew Fray on How Good People Mess Up Their Marriages.
As always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew