Six Things Happy Couples (Mostly) Do
Why do some couples seem to glide through life while others trip and fall?
Unhappy relationships fail for a multitude of reasons but happy ones all succeed for similar ones: these couples are good communicators, they can handle conflict, and each partner has a strong sense of self, as well as a belief in the relationship.
This week I’ve broken this down further for you into six key habits:
1. Investing
The constant demands of children, family, friends and work often make us put our relationship last. Because our partner loves us, we believe we can take them for granted. Up to a point, this is true.
However unless a relationship is nurtured it will wither and die. Successful couples set aside time together. At one end of the scale, they reserve one evening a week and whatever friends suggest, this appointment comes first.
At the other, there is fifteen minutes an evening to chat over the events of the day - for example while preparing supper. Through small talk, they keep up to date with how their partner feels, and important issues emerge naturally.
This is much better than one half announcing: ‘we need to talk’ which immediately puts their partner on the defensive. Couples that invest time together have already nipped these issues in the bud.
Exercise: add up the amount of time a day you spend really communicating - as opposed to swapping diary appointments and jobs. If it is less than ten minutes, try and make a dedicated daily catch-up part of your routine.
In a nugget: you only get as much out as you put in.
2. Respecting Each Other
Respect is the greatest gift that you can give your partner. All couples go through phases of questioning their love for each other, however if you still respect each other, the relationship usually emerges safely out the other side.
In good relationships we match up with someone with a similar intelligence and world view. So in respecting our partner, we are also respecting ourselves. When someone feels they have married “beneath themselves”, there is always trouble.
The most common fault line is when one partner believes they are more in touch with their feelings. They find it is easier to blame when things go wrong, than look at their own behaviour.
In reality both halves have similar problems but show them in different ways. For example the one claiming to be ‘good with feelings’ will spend hours talking to distract themselves from actually experiencing them.
Exercise: make a list of everything you respect about your partner, keep it somewhere safe and at crisis points use it to remember their good qualities. If respect is still a problem, seek marital counselling.
In a nugget: look for the similarities between you rather than the differences.
If you’d like to build your communication toolkit and ensure your connection stays strong, I recommend my book The Happy Couple’s Handbook.
3. Be Vulnerable
Everybody likes to think of themselves as open and honest. However the real test comes when we feel hurt, because the temptation is to hide our vulnerability behind a protective layer of anger.
However successful couples swallow their fear of being rejected and show their pain -the ultimate example of good communication. They feel safe with each other and set up a virtuous circle, where they can become more vulnerable still.
Exercise: next time you feel angry or hurt, don’t fight back but share your feelings.For example: ‘You really upset me when you said.......’. Be specific and attribute the pain to the behaviour of your partner not their personality. This has the added benefit of diffusing a row. After all, there is little room for dispute because you are the expert on your own feelings.
In a nugget: you can only be intimate to the amount you can show your soft belly.
4. Seek to understand before being understood
During a row, it is tempting to use the time while your partner is speaking to rehearse your side of the argument. We believe that if only they understood how we felt, if only they could see everything through our eyes, they would change.
However successful couples instinctively understand the crucial three steps to solving a problem. First you need to explore, then understand, before finally moving to action. None of these steps can be jumped if you are to find a lasting solution.
By expecting our partners to understand us, without seeking to understand their viewpoint too, we are jumping immediately to the action / solution step. When you truly understand each other, the ground is laid for a compromise.
Exercise: take a piece of behaviour that irritates you and ask your partner to explain. Don’t judge, just listen and then ask yet another question.
In a nutshell: really understanding each other avoids destructive fights.
5. Put First Things First
In a detective story, there are always red herrings that stop us getting to the truth. Many couple argue about small inconsequential matters, red herrings, rather than face deeper, more difficult ones.
When successful couples find themselves arguing over something stupid, they stop and ask themselves: what’s this fight really about? The underlying issues are nearly always something set up in our childhood.
If you grew up with parents who focused too obsessively on cleanliness and order, for example, your partner nagging you to make the beds is likely to set off a disproportionate level of resentment.
We can also pick at our partners when there’s a looming situation we feel anxious about our ability to control. If you’re being bullied at work, for example, it can feel easier to come home and vent your feelings at a partner who forgot to shop for dinner, than to confront the painful and difficult situation in the workplace.
Exercise: try and make connections back to how your own parents treated you. Is your partner standing in so you can re-stage old struggles?
In a nutshell: don’t sweat the small stuff.
If you’re struggling to understand what you’re doing wrong in your relationship, you might benefit from listening to my interview with author Matthew Fray on How Good People Mess Up Their Marriages.
Marry actions and words
We tell our partner we trust them, but then betray our true feelings by watching them like a hawk at parties and rushing up whenever they have a deep conversation with someone attractive.
Scientists have discovered that only 7% of what we communicate is with words, but somehow we expect our partners to trust what we say, rather than our body language. Often these words are what we’d LIKE to believe is true, though, so we don’t see ourselves as dishonest.
Your partner, however, will find it hard to trust what you’re saying, if your body language and your actions are so clearly shouting a different message.
Successful couples don’t buy each other off with empty promises, but are truthful about their ambivalence.
Exercise: try watching and interpreting friends’ body language, so you have a better understanding of your own.
In a nutshell: think about what you’re doing, not just what you’re saying.
As always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) or use this contact form for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew