Seven Seemingly Insoluble Problems...
And what to do when you've hit a brick wall.
It’s impossible to live with someone without falling out from time-to-time. But what if you’re not arguing about what television programme to watch or whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher, but something fundamental about the way each of you wants to live your life.
Although you love your partner, you keep having the same fights, which achieve nothing but making each other miserable. Has your marriage hit a brick wall, or could there be a way forward?
Here are seven big disagreements that can threaten to bring your partnership undone, but which you can navigate successfully with the right skills and a big dose of compromise.
Saver vs Spender
One of you thinks life is too short to deny yourself (and, after all, it was a real bargain!) Meanwhile, the other is trying to save for a rainy day and put something into a pension plan.
Flash point: it is not just a lack of money–for example one of you losing a job – that causes conflict. An inheritance can spark just as much misery. Not only will you fight about how to spend it, but the decisions will later be deployed as weapons: ‘I spend my aunt’s money on you and this is how you repay me.’
How to sort it out: think of the arguments as like being on a see-saw. The more you push down on your side (for example, we should save money by making our own sandwiches to take to work),the more your partner will fly up at his side (I need this boys’ trip to Prague because I never have any fun).
His spendthrift ways will then make you further entrench and, in return, he will rebel more. The solution, like on the see-saw, is to move into the middle, as this makes for a less bumpy ride.
Can you negotiate a compromise, rather than holding tightly onto your end of the argument? For example, you will look at the bank statements together – so you both understand in and outgoings – but afterwards reward yourself with a good bottle of wine or a meal out.
Chilled Out vs Active
On Sunday morning, one of you likes a long lazy breakfast with the Sunday papers, while the other has arranged for the whole family to come over for a barbecue and has three different kinds of salads to make.
Flash point: before children, the differences were not so noticeable because you had more time at your disposal. But when children need taking to the park or ferrying to activities, the cracks start to appear. Or perhaps other demands on your time, such elderly parents, put pressure on the free time you share.
How to sort it out: rather than fighting in abstract (how to spend every weekend), go into the specifics (how shall we spend next weekend). When you go into the details, you will discover that one or both of you is making assumptions:
‘I thought your family were coming in the evening, not one pm, and the gang are thinking of meeting up for a couple of drinks.’ With all the information to hand, you can begin to find a middle way (where both of you will get some of what you want – for example she only goes to the pub for an hour and comes back for a slightly later family lunch) or find a trade (she will help chop salad in the morning if she can have some free time in the afternoon).
Social Media Fan vs Online Avoider
One of you is always on Facebook or snapping a picture of your lunch to post on Instagram, while the other huffs and puffs about selling yourself to big data and says ‘if I wanted to be in touch with someone I would pick up the phone and actually talk to them.’
Flash point: he’s on a Whatsapp group with his old university friends who delight in telling each other the most non-PC jokes possible and his endless teenage sniggers are driving you up the wall.
Alternatively, your daughter is being bullied on social media and your partner says ‘she should just delete her account,’ and you fight back with: ‘You don’t understand, and anyway you don’t really have real friends.’
How to sort it out: step back and look at the underlying anxieties. For example, if you’re the social media fan, your partner might say ‘I feel shut out when you’re on your phone’ or ‘it makes me wonder if other people are more important than me’.
While you might say ‘I love checking in with my friends and family online’ or ‘you don’t talk to me any way.’
When both of you feel truly heard and understand each other, you are more likely to change. You will agree to switch off your phone at meal times or at bedtime whilst he will respond by making more of an effort to talk and share events from his day.
My Love Making Style vs Your Style
He likes slobbery snogs while you like lots of light butterfly kisses and taking time to get into the mood. You complain: ‘How can we be close if you ignore me all day and then pounce?’ and he says, ‘How can we be close if we never make love?’
Flash point: you both stop making the first move, then worry that you only make love when you’re both drunk. Perhaps, one of your work colleagues is being very attentive and could even be trying to hit on you. Alternatively, one of your partner’s old girlfriends is having marital problems and has reached out to him for ‘support’.
How to sort it out: ultimately, you need to focus on what you do agree on rather than what you disagree about and work from there.
Start by dreaming about how you would both like your lovemaking to be. For example: connected, passionate and fulfilling. If any negatives about your partner’s current style come up, write them down to talk about later but, for now, please focus on imagining how it could be.
Next, ask yourselves: ‘how can we achieve those goals?’ and ‘what changes do we need to make?’ For example, more slow sensual stroking will bring us into the passion zone better and once there, we’ll be more open to each other’s kissing styles.
City vs Country
One of you likes to tramp through the mud and wants to keep horses or get a dog, and the other feels happiest surrounded by the noise, culture and convenience of the city.
Flashpoint: your youngest child is about to go off to university and where you live is no longer determined by schools, or you’re coming up to retirement age and the next phase of your life is up for grabs.
How to sort it out: rather than going straight for the big issue, look at improving your overall communication with smaller issues first. Ask yourself: how good am I at listening? When I’m losing an argument, do I throw in another issue (for example, I know I should have told you that the car was almost out of petrol but you didn’t support me over that argument I had with your mother).
Next, what would happen if I stayed with a difficult topic or uncertainty for a bit longer, rather than walking away or pushing for an immediate and therefore precarious agreement?
Ultimately, when you can work better as a team on everyday matters, one of you will be the ‘big’ one and agree to the other’s preferred lifestyle - because you will both trust each other to work together to alleviate problems arising from the move or from staying put.
For example, if it’s the lack of culture that is the sticking point about moving to the country, could you live somewhere with a summer festival or agree to mini-breaks in European capital cities rather than beach holidays?
Planner vs Spontaneous
One of you likes to have lots of events in the diary to look forward to, because if you don’t plan ahead your friends won’t be available, while the other likes to keep the options open, see how you both feel at the time, or take up any last minute invitations.
Flashpoint: it could be stepping out of your usual routine – like going on holiday where you want to sign up for lots of excursions and he feels it’s not a holiday if he’s marched from place to place.
However, it could just as easily be an everyday incident that becomes the last straw –like you complaining he didn’t buy half the things the family needs from the supermarket. He accuses you of being controlling and you tell him he’s lazy.
How to sort it out: draw two circles, in the first put everything which concerns you, and in the other everything that you can control. You can’t put something in both circles, you can either control it or you can’t.
So for example, thinking about your social life: in your circle of control: you can phone your friends and ask them out (whether they are available is not in your control, so that goes in your circle of concern.)
When it comes to your partner, they’re definitely in your zone of concern, but what about your social life and your partner? Think about what you can control. It is your actions and your reactions (to your partner’s behaviour). For example, you can control your desire to tut when you see them slobbing on the sofa. You can also decide to get on with something that you enjoy – like a craft hobby.
When you stop trying to control items that are only in your circle of concern, you will be more relaxed and better able to negotiate what to do together and what to do apart.
My Belief vs Your Belief
Perhaps it is a political issue like Brexit that has divided you. Perhaps one of you has had a late-in-life change of religious or political views.
While you can agree there are two sides to every argument, you both believe you’re more right than the other, and one of you may feel that the other has crossed some sort of line of intelligence, imagination or empathy.
Flashpoint: it could be an item on the news that will start the row or something one of his parents or siblings did or said which flies in the face of one of your own values. Or she said something in front of your friends which you feel affects both of your reputations.
How to sort it out: pull back from the current disagreement and look at where your different beliefs came from. They probably started when you were children – hence the reason why your families can so easily spark a falling out – and make perfect sense.
For example, if your father left when you were small, you’ll find it hard to trust or need extra reassurance. Similarly, if his mother had a volcanic temper, he will be sensitised to raised voices and want to avoid anger at any cost.
When you truly understand each other, you can begin to accept that both of your ways of seeing the world are valid. It takes a lot of heat out of the fights and stops you from trying to convert each other (and let’s face it, you’ve tried that idea to destruction and know it doesn’t work!)
When to Bail Out
This is probably the subject of another entire newsletter. Knowing when you’re finally done can be very difficult.
If you’ve tried different strategies similar to the ones I describe and none have got you anywhere, it will certainly be time to seek professional help. If either of you has experienced the temptation to be unfaithful, then you need help.
And of course, if you are experiencing abusive behaviour from your partner, do seek help from an organisation such as Refuge.
As always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew