Minor Irritations That Can Ruin Your Marriage
And some ideas to find your zen
Slurping tea or dumping wet towels could ultimately be more corrosive to your relationship than an affair.
Whereas in the past divorce was most often the result of a big relationship disaster, these days people are more likely to cite 'growing apart' and 'falling out of love'.
One day, basically, you just snap and decide that you can’t spend even one more day following your partner around the house turning off all the lights they never, ever switch off.
Trivial offences, repeated over and over, will not only set your partner's teeth on edge – but left unchecked – they will drive a wedge between you.
Here are some of the most common I hear in the counselling room, and some ideas on how to tackle them.
Zoning Out
They’re standing there nodding their head as you go through which child needs to be where and when, but you know their mind is elsewhere.
Similar offences include constantly checking smartphones, and staring at the TV screen.
Why we think it's OK:
It will only take a second to reply to this text, our partner will understand. After all, we've got the whole evening together.
Why it's dangerous:
By not paying attention to our partner, we are giving a clear message: 'I'm not that interested in you' and 'these other things/people are more important'.
It is a far cry from when you first fell in love - those heady days when your whole day revolved around each other.
People think marriages end because of dramatic, fundamental differences but more often it's down to exactly this kind of loss of connection.
Turn it around:
Guard your time together by setting up rules about mobile phone / screen etiquette. What is the latest that you will take social or business calls? When should you switch off your phones?
Set aside a regular time – like Sunday evening - to discuss important events on the calendar and issues about the kids. In this way, you can give each other your full attention rather than talking on the run.
Imposing your domestic rules
It could be your partner complaining about you leaving stuff around (even though they have magazines all over the place but that's “OK” because they're in “neat piles') or they’re fed up because you're always on their back about the state they leave the bathroom in.
Why we think it's OK:
If only they would listen to reason and abide by a few simple rules, everything would be fine.
Why it's dangerous:
Everybody has different ideas about tidiness but it is easy to think you are right and they are wrong - and therefore either dismiss their opinions or punish them (by being irritable or critical).
In the worst cases, one partner will accuse the other of being 'controlling' and the other of being 'lazy' or 'not caring'.
Turn it around:
Instead of defending your position, which will encourage your partner to do the same, look to set up a trade. For example, you won't leave your shoes in the hall if he attacks the loo with the bleach. In this way, there's something in it for both of you, rather than one person trying to impose on the other.
Jollying you along
When you're feeling stressed and worried, they tell you to 'put it out of your mind'. Alternatively, you're angry with them – for something quite justifiable - and they’re trying to get round you with jokes or compliments.
Why we think it's OK:
If somebody doesn't lighten the mood, the whole weekend will be ruined.
Why it's dangerous:
You are not taking each other's feelings seriously. And if someone's not interested in your feelings, can they really love you?
Turn it around:
Rather than trying to squash your partner's emotions because they don't make sense or are simply inconvenient, try these two strategies. Firstly, ask questions so that you can step into their shoes and truly understand.
Secondly, acknowledge their mood. 'I can see you're feeling stressed and anxious'. Our fear is this will encourage a further outburst but these feelings – once acknowledged – burn themselves out.
If it's you whose feeling are being denied, acknowledge your partner’s positive motive and explain: 'I know you want to move on but I'm still feeling worried and upset’.
Interrupting / Talking over
There's a thousand and one things on your mind, and you feel like you absolutely must get them all out before you forget.
Why we think it's OK:
They’ve always liked your bubbly, outgoing personality.
Why it's dangerous:
You don't know if they’re going to tell you something trivial (like their score at golf) or share their deepest and darkest fear (for example, they feels hopeless and humiliated not just about golf but everything).
In my counselling room, many women complain that their husband keeps his feelings to himself but then keep interrupting him to explain more about theirs.
Turn it around:
When you're tempted to say something, bite the inside of your cheek to stop you up short, nod your head to encourage them to open up, or ask them a question to draw them out.
We often get to the important issues through the trivial. If you really do have a lot on your mind, make notes ahead of talking to your partner. This will not only be an aide memoire but will concentrate your thoughts on the essentials.
Wanting immediate, undivided attention
You will be washing up, with your hands in water, and your partner asks you to come and look at something on their computer NOW!
Alternatively, you're following them around asking questions while they’re trying to do something, or asking them to put stuff up in the loft while they’re busy changing the light bulb you've been complaining about.
Why we think it's OK:
We're just trying to tick things off our 'to do' list.
Why it's dangerous:
You're effectively saying your priorities are more important than anything your partner has going on. You can also come across as 'needy' and that can be difficult to deal with.
Turn it around:
It is easy to spot when your partner does this to do you but harder when you do it to them. Generally, couples are equally prone to this nasty habit so I encourage my clients to make a joke whenever they spot it - either in themselves or each other - and then discuss whether the request is really that urgent or the other person's current occupation that un-interruptable.
Slobbing out
They might be eating with their mouth full, putting their feet on the coffee table or not shaving on Sunday. Meanwhile, you're still in your pyjamas at lunchtime and some of the items in your underwear drawer are looking distinctly grey.
Why we think it's OK:
After the hard work of courtship, shouldn't you be able to relax and be yourself?
Why it's dangerous:
Each of these minor irritations are a passion-killer and make it harder to switch from the everyday world into the sensual one.
Turn it around:
Build romance back into your everyday life by using the power of three.
Collecting him from the station is just a nice thing to do but if you have a ice bucket in the car with a bottle of wine in it and his favourite dinner when you get home – that's romantic because it says 'I care about you' and demonstrates that you've gone the extra mile.
Keeping you waiting / obsessing about punctuality
You're supposed to be leaving at half past but they think that’s just the cue to put down what they’re doing and start to get ready.
Alternatively, perhaps it's you who is fed up with being harried and hurried and arriving at the airport three hours before the flight leaves.
Why we think it's OK:
On-time people say “it's rude to keep other people waiting'. Meanwhile their partners mean to be punctual but something always happens: 'I was about to leave but...' or 'the traffic was terrible'.
Why it's dangerous:
It increases the stress of going anywhere together which can tip over into criticising driving or blaming each other for your upset.
Turn it around:
It is easy to get in a rut where you treat punctuality as a global issue rather than on a case-by-case basis and negotiating. For example, your friends won't mind if you're slightly late for a dinner party (because they will probably be running late too) but you need to be on time for a train (where you've reserved seats).
Bickering
It ranges from mild criticism, through snide remarks onto making “helpful suggestions” like 'have you tried switching the computer on and off?' or 'I wouldn't use that knife to cut that.' Meanwhile, your partner returns the general negativity with interest.
Why we think it's OK:
It's not like we having terrible rows, and doesn't every couple do it?
Why it's dangerous:
Bickering not only poisons the atmosphere but drains all the fun out of your relationship.
Turn it around:
It's generally a sign that there are unresolved issues and each partner feels taken for granted. Perhaps he feels that she's not pulling her weight round the house or she feels she's working hard to pay the bills but gets little thanks.
So ask yourself, what is this really about? For example, bickering about the best place to keep the bin bags could be a struggle for control. Once you know what the disagreement is really about, you have a chance of sorting it.
Five signs that you're irritating your partner
Teasing but with an edge to it: making a joke is normally the nice way to say you've a problem with something but it's also easy to ignore the underlying message.
You keep saying 'yes but': you know something is wrong but you've always got a good excuse.
Rolled eyes and deep sighs: this passive aggressive body language says I'm fed up - without having the honesty to come out and actually say it.
Forgive me for breathing: what previously was let go has become a source of endless rows.
Life goes on parallel lines: they are preoccupied with interests outside the marriage and have abandoned any joint activities.
In other news, I was recently a guest on the Art of Manliness podcast - my interview on “The Infidelity Formula” is now available here.
We discussed the two stages of life where I’ve found infidelity to be the most common, and the factors that can lead to infidelity. We covered:
How quiet desperation is a major driver of cheating
Why men who don’t have good male friends are more likely to have an affair
How to know if you’re forming an inappropriate friendship that could lead to infidelity
My “seven deadly sins” of bad communication
The practices that healthy couples use to ward off infidelity
The best question to ask yourself to start improving your relationship today.
And as always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew