How vulnerable is your marriage to an affair?
A guide to spotting the signs and making changes.
These days, being unfaithful to your partner is easier than it used to be. Websites exist specifically to facilitate affairs with other married people. Smartphones allow limitless, almost entirely private communication. Scarily, research suggests a third of men and a quarter of women will be unfaithful at some point in their lives.
So is your marriage at risk? Instead of closing your eyes and saying, ‘my partner isn't like that', wouldn't it be better to spot your vulnerabilities and head problems off before it's too late?
You may also think that you would never be tempted to stray, but even the most faithful partner can find certain situations hard to manage, so it makes sense to be aware of the danger signs.
Signs Your Partner is Vulnerable to an Affair
They feel criticised
If your partner feels “I can’t win”, or like she is always letting you down, this may lead to a dangerous level of withdrawal. If things aren’t going well for her at work, or creatively, she may believe that you are permanently disappointed in her, with the criticism at home reinforcing the disappointment and lack of confidence at work.
There is usually a big perception gap here. One partner feels that there are perfectly good reasons to be critical (“he never pulls his weight around the house”), whilst the other feels that nothing he says or does can make things better, and so stops trying. The end result is one partner who is (consciously or unconsciously) half checked out of your marriage.
How can you turn this round? Being nice for a day or so won’t cut it. If you’ve fallen into a pattern of criticism and contempt, you’ll need to step back and rebuild some healthier patterns of communication.
Several studies suggest that it takes five positive comments to cancel out each negative. A good starting point would be to examine where you are now: keep a mental tally over the next few days of how many positives and how many negatives you give.
When relationships are in crisis, people become very good at communicating complaints but keep what they admire about their partner to themselves. So next time you think 'you're a really good mother' or something else nice, tell her.
Your relationship is going through a sexual dry spell
You're been tired and preoccupied lately, but tell yourself you'll have time to repair the damage on holiday or when your youngest starts school.
This is very dangerous: sex is central to closeness, self-esteem and satisfaction with life. Men, especially, rely very heavily on sex to fulfil their need for intimacy and to demonstrate their love for their partners. For both men and women, if one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t, there will be complicated feelings of rejection and hurt that aren’t getting dealt with.
How can you turn it around? If the dry spell has been too long, you may wish to seek the help of a therapist. Sex is one of the hardest things for a couple to talk about, and involves a high level of vulnerability.
See my podcast episode with Irene Fehr on Why Desire Disappears in Committed Relationships for an in-depth discussion of why passion fades and how to rebuild.
If things are less serious, it might be a question of putting sex a lot higher on your to-do list. Plan a surprise for your partner - dress up, or plan a secluded picnic. Create some variety by mixing up how you touch her - for example going really slow and taking her to the brink, and then making her beg for more by suddenly stopping.
Sex expert’s Tracey Cox’s latest article on planning date nights effectively has some great ideas for injecting passion into a tired relationship.
Work pressure is too much
If one of you is under strain in your career, then the other will likely feel it. Too many of us aren’t taught how to cope with stress, and tend to take it out on those around us.
Sadly, corporate mergers and restructures have sent a huge number of clients my way. Often, when things are bad in the office, people bottle up the tension, fly off the handle easily, and/or drink too much.
Many of us grew up with the expectation that we must be self-sufficient and fix all the problems ourselves. We don’t ask for help, but are too willing to use temporary fixes to ease the pain.
These fixes aren’t confined to drink and drugs: too many people also turn to self-medicating affairs. The flattery and attention of a new liaison boost self-esteem and help with pushing troubles away.
If you’re worried about this, ask your partner how you can help. The closer he or she is to cracking, the more likely they will be to open up. You can suggest taking over more of the household responsibilities temporarily, offer a back rub or leave small gifts and notes around the place. If your partner feels appreciated at home, they will be far more resilient to the slings and arrows of the outside world.
Your partner is always angry
A partner who seems like a bear with a sore head most of the time is a very common sign of infidelity (see also, a partner who was like that for quite a while but then suddenly everything is smooth sailing again).
The angry partner may be trying very hard to find fault, to convince him or herself that the marriage has no future or that you don’t care. They are often trying to justify to themselves the choice to look elsewhere.
How can you turn it round? Next time your partner is angry or turns his or her back when you'd been expecting an explosion, instead of losing your temper or walking on eggshells, try addressing the issue calmly: 'What's the matter?' or 'Why are you so angry?'
They’ll either snap back or say 'Nothing. I'm fine'. If you get the former, listen, ask questions but don't take the bait and fight back. If you get the latter, be persistent, ask again and give evidence about his recent dark moods to explain why you're concerned.
Although these conversations will be difficult, once the problems are out in the open, you can begin to fix them.
Your partner won’t stop talking about a special friend
Be wary if your partner is suddenly dropping the name of a friend into conversation a lot. Sometimes this person works with your partner, but it’s also fairly common that they are a family friend.
Many of us tell ourselves to ignore this kind of nagging suspicion and think the best of people. However if your instincts are telling you there’s something wrong, it is worth some further thought. It is easy and extremely common for this kind of friendship to cross the line between having feelings and acting on them.
So, what should you do? Don't go in guns blazing, as it will make your partner defensive. First, talk about your own special connection with a 'turn back the clock' date or weekend - where you go back to somewhere special from your courting days or do something you used to enjoy together (like going round antique fairs).
Next, tell your partner your concerns, listen to their reassurances but still ask for changes to how often they contact the special friend and monitor that the changes happen.
Signs that You Might Be Tempted
Your partner isn’t very thoughtful
It's ages since she surprised you with a kind gesture or gift. Although you know she cares, she doesn’t go as far as actually demonstrating how much she loves you.
This is a problem because we all need to feel special. If your partner isn’t making you feel that way, you’re more likely to respond when someone else shows you positive attention.
How can you turn this around? Instead of dropping hints and making sarcastic comments, try and ask for what you need. For instance, although we fear that asking for a hug will make it less special, it still feels good and before too long will happen naturally. Research into oxytocin, the bonding chemical, has found that we need eight hugs, cuddles or casual touches a day to feel loved.
You’re desperate for some fun
Sometimes it seems like your life is just cleaning the house, work, and driving kids around. Shouldn't there be more to it than this?
If the pleasure’s drained out of life, your judgement will easily become clouded. Flirting with a work colleague or a friend’s husband can in certain situations be framed as “harmless fun”. Before too long, you’re going out of your way to “accidentally” bump into this person and you’re having to hide your phone
You’re craving passion
Sometimes when marriage feels like a chore, people become consumed with sexual fantasies about strangers. Perhaps you see a man kissing his girlfriend passionately in the street, and spend the next few days daydreaming of how your life would be different with him.
How can you turn this around? Make date night a proper evening out between equals and lovers, not a chore where you do all the prep. One of you arrange the childcare; the other book a surprise venue.
On the night, don't share the bathroom to get ready but change separately to create an air of mystery and excitement about what you'll both be wearing.
You’re feeling resentful
She never seems to listen or take your feeling seriously. So why bother talking about anything?
This is risky because deep down, you feel the balance of household responsibilities is off-kilter. It's not just that you're tired and have a long 'to do' list that's stopping you feeling sexy but you are also thinking,'Why should I do this for her, when she does so little for me?'
How can you turn this round? Try explaining why you’ve been snappy lately, and how feeling taken for granted affects your libido.
If that sounds difficult, try this strategy for discussing contentious topics. First, you have five minutes uninterrupted to talk about the things that you particularly resent. She listens and summarises back your main points (to check you’ve understood). Swap over. She talks about how she sees the situation while you listen for five minutes and repeat back her viewpoint. Keep going until you've reached agreement for a more equitable split of jobs and a way of prioritising your sex life more.
You put yourself last
You're so busy running round after the kids or your partner that you never have time for yourself.
This is risky because you are extremely vulnerable to people who flatter–'You're looking nice today' or 'have I ever told you that I've always fancied you?'–and seek you out at social gatherings.
Alternatively, you can stumble across them on an internet chat forum about something harmless–like playing scrabble–and they always seem to have time to send a friendly message or remember that you're off to the doctor.
It is easy to think that these people care or 'put you first'.Unfortunately, they are often dangerous charmers (or even sexual predators if you’ve gone too far into the murk of the internet) who know how to manipulate the fairy-tale idea of the princess being rescued from an everyday humdrum world and transported into a new life.
No wonder many people fall heads over heels and make the biggest mistake of their lives.
How can you turn it around? Well, we have to take responsibility for our own happiness, rather than expecting our partner to boost our self-esteem or thinking 'If I can make everybody else happy, they will return the favour'. So book some 'me' time to pamper yourself or pursue a personal interest. Don't think of it as being selfish but as recharging your batteries.
You've lost touch with who you are
Where did that teenager with all the promise go? How did you get stuck in the day-to-day without changing the world or chasing any of your dreams? You paid off your mortgage but passion and risk seem like very distant memories.
We all need to stop and take stock, especially at life's transition points–for example when your youngest child is going off to university. If you ignore perfectly healthy questions like 'who am I?' or 'what do I want to do with the second half of my life?' and carry on regardless, an affair can seem to offer a way to make sense of your life or feel young again.
How can you turn it round? The happiest people have a variety of ways of making their life meaningful. Of course, yourlove for your partner can be central but there are other reasons for getting up in the morning: creating something (like starting a business), doing something challenging (like running a marathon or learning to paraglide) or helping others (like doing some voluntary work or helping your aged parents).
Whatever gives your life meaning, you need to update your goals every five to ten years and at similar intervals to review your relationship- value its strengths and talk to your partner about its weaknesses.
In other news, I’ve recorded several recent podcast episodes on marriage and relationship themes. Hear Tommy and Gina Mulligan talking to me about their experiences of marrying, divorcing and marrying again in Second Time Around. Or, there’s therapist Chris Partridge on Being a Rescuer: Why it Can Be a Trap and How to Break Free.
As always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew