How do YOU cope with Christmas?
The end of December is uniquely stressful; this year, be ready!
By this point in December, some of us feel like everyone wants a bigger and bigger piece of us, but there’s absolutely nothing left to give. Meanwhile, our partner is still pumping out Bing Crosby at school pick-up and happily browsing turkey recipes in the midst of the chaos.
This week I’m giving you my four Christmas (or Hanukkah, or just winter celebration!) personality types, together with some tips to help you and your partner stay sane, especially if you’re at opposite ends of the holiday spectrum.
1. The Stress Avoider
You do everything you can to make sure your kid never ends up with the starring role in the school play, you quickly accept an invitation from the first relative who offers to cook Christmas lunch, and everyone knows you’ll give them a gift voucher (probably for the same shop as last year).
Clever you - you’ll get through December with your sanity intact. But, what about everyone else around you? And, does Christmas feel like a bit of a non-event? That’s because you only get as much out as you put in.
Also by depending on other people, you often have a Christmas that suits their tastes more than yours.
Advice for the Stress Avoider
Recognise that stress is a natural and potentially good force.
If you stretch yourself and go to the edge of your comfort zone, you may ultimately be more fulfilled.
Check in with your partner and make sure you’re not leaving them snowed under and growing increasingly frustrated with you. Offer to take on at least a few of the tasks they’re grappling with.
If you’re avoiding stress because you feel you really can’t cope, you can engage with Christmas in small chunks! Rather than taking on huge tasks like cooking dinner for the extended family, write yourself a list of things you’d feel comfortable with, like a drive to see Christmas lights, or writing heartfelt cards to a small group of people. As you cross each thing off your list, you’ll feel a real sense of achievement and satisfaction.
2. The Stress Amplifier
Christmas at your home is always exciting; only the Beckhams make more of a fuss. You’re the one trucking in live sheep to make the nativity play more authentic, or insisting that the family try out the Victorian parlour games you’ve spent months researching, rather than relaxing in front of a terrible Christmas movie.
A hitch in your plans always turns into a Clark Griswold style drama, with you pulling off a diva style tantrum or sulk. You have VERY high standards for yourself, and for everyone else.
Advice for the Stress Amplifier
Realise that people value you for who you are, not what you have achieved or how things look. A lot of your stress comes from trying to change people rather than accepting them as they are.
Scale down your plans - smaller gifts, fewer people at dinner, less money on outfits and decorations - and instead spend some real, quality time on yourself.
Find new ways of relaxing: instead of spending hours on elaborate Christmas things, offer to walk a friend’s dog or take a yoga or meditation class.
In stressful situations, find a new way of looking at the problem. Imagine putting on rose-tinted spectacles and asking what are the positives, what are the opportunities? For example, if your guests all cancel at the last-minute, think of the beautiful meal you, your partner and the kids will have, without all the fuss and small-talk, and of the unique chance for a long stretch of time together.
3. Stress Savvy
You don’t blow the year’s budget on decorations, but you’ll spend some nice time with the kids making tree ornaments from tinfoil and tinsel. Your gifts are always thoughtful, inexpensive and gratefully received. You make the magic happen, with the minimum of fuss. You have a realistic attitude to Christmas and life in general, and everyone relies on your quiet, calm planning skills.
Advice for the Stress Savvy
You might be very capable, but are you asking for the support you need? If not, you are storing up long-term problems of feeling resentful and taken for granted.
Make a list of all your tasks and decide which can be delegated. The family might not do them to your high standards, but you will feel cherished that someone cares enough to share the load.
Next time you have five minutes to spare, don’t think which new job can be squeezed in but enjoy the space to sit and stare.
It’s acceptable and indeed advisable to let yourself go sometimes - relax! Every now and again, go ahead and buy the kids the ridiculous, unsuitable and overpriced gifts your partner’s all in favour of. It’s also fine, at least occasionally, to descend on some relatives and let THEM do Christmas Day.
4. The Stress Absorber
By mid-November, you’re already seething in anticipation of the feeble excuses your sister will give to avoid hosting, yet again - but you won’t say anything. Your terrible uncle and your partner’s brother are drunk before lunch, and you’re blaming yourself for putting out too much port. You’re the one who stays behind after the end-of-year play to tidy up after everyone else has left, and you have to admit, you somewhat enjoy the feelings of martyrdom this produces.
You feel exhausted and sometimes depressed, because you take responsibility for too many things, many of which have nothing to do with you.
Advice for the Stress Absorber
To manage your time better, draw a circle and divide it up into pieces of pie to show how you split up your time. How much for the children, work, your partner, friends, yourself etc.? Now draw another circle, this time with the pieces of pie as you’d LIKE to spend your time.
Make a list of steps on how to achieve your ideal time breakdown.
Pledge to stop playing the martyr. Although your family will be surprised at first, in the long term it will be good for them to deal with their own stress.
Whichever your Christmas personality type, I hope you spend these next few weeks with family and friends in peace and happiness. And for those of you who’ve experienced loss and grief this year, I send you virtual hugs, and urge you to do only what you feel you can.
Please do look out for my Christmas Day podcast interview with marital therapist Dr Cheryl Fraser - it will be a lighthearted look at what Christmas is like for married people (in the meantime, you can check out my other interview with Cheryl on How to Stay in Love).
As always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew Â