Ask Your Partner These 10 Questions

I've designed them to help keep midlife love alive....

The middle years of a marriage can be the most challenging. The honeymoon period ended many years ago and you’re now facing the twin stresses of rebellious teenagers and elderly parents. Throw in the demands of a job and running a house and it is easy for your relationship to suffer.

Sure you love each other, but how connected do you feel? Unfortunately, if you bring up any concerns, your partner is likely to brush them away or get defensive. That’s why I use a radically different approach called Appreciative Inquiry – used by many business to improve their performance.

Instead of focusing on what doesn’t work (and trying to fix it), the idea is to look at what does (and build on it). So instead of having a supposedly romantic date night at a fancy restaurant, where you talk about the kids, jobs and the dog, you could ask each other my ten Appreciative Inquiry questions.

Sound frightening? Don’t worry, the exercise encourages connection and creativity rather than criticism. If any negative issues do come up, that’s fine, but write them down to discuss another time.

During this exercise, the aim is to only be positive – hence the name Appreciative Inquiry. It has four parts: discover, dream, design and deliver.

Set it up

Hold hands across the table and look into each other’s eyes. Harvard psychologist Zich Rubin found couples in love spend 75% percent of their time looking into each other’s eyes – rather than the usual 30 to 60%.

I would like you to spend at least five minutes doing this. Keeping eye contact is both intimate and challenging, so if your partner gets emotional, squeeze their hand. Use the time to think about the qualities that you admire in your partner.

When one of you is ready, start to share your thoughts. One or two word qualities work best: for example, courage, strength, compassion, kindness, beautiful eyes. There is no need to explain. Take your time. It is OK to pause and see what comes to mind but I would like at least five qualities.

If you are on the receiving end, please accept the compliment - even though you might normally demur or run yourself down – by just saying thank you. At this point, swap over roles. Once you have finished this warm-up, and are in a positive mood, you can start asking and answering my ten questions.

🧭 Discovery Questions

1. When we first met, what made you think that I was someone special?

Why? It is good to remember what brought the two of you together and your original connection.

Take it further: remember funny or touching incidents from your courtship. Think about what you did that helped to build the connection.

2. When are we at our best together?

Why? Love is build as much from overcoming obstacles as from sharing good times. What kind of circumstances bring out the best in your relationship?

Take it further: how do your different strengths complement each other and help make your marriage stronger?

3. What was the most romantic day we have spent together?

Why? It is likely that each of you will come up with different days. Rather than assuming your partner’s take on romance is the same as yours, here is a chance to find out what builds connection for them.

Take it further: go over this day in as much detail as possible, so you discover the exact events or actions that made it so special.

If you are feeling lost inside your relationship and would like guidance on building a stronger, happier self, listen to my recent conversation with therapist Juliet Grayson on “Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?”.

4. What do you enjoy most about our love making?

Why? It is embarrassing to talk about sex and that’s why I have put in this question, so you don’t conspire together to overlook it.

Take it further: it is really important to keep this conversation positive – because sex can make us feel particularly vulnerable. If you find yourself thinking about what you DON’T like, flip it over. For example, if you don’t like rushed sex answer: ‘I like it when we take our time’ (even if you can’t remember the last time it was like this!)

🌟 Dream Questions

5. What would be the perfect day for you, from waking up to falling asleep?

Why? This question is designed to help you think about some goals for changing your relationship.

Take it further: don’t censor yourself. It doesn’t matter if the dreams are hard to achieve. It is important, at this stage, to listen to each other and be creative together. Anything is possible, you will think about practical matters later.

6. What ambitions have you still got to achieve?

Why? One of the biggest problems in midlife is feeling bored and trapped. Setting fresh goals can help your life become meaningful and focused again and avoid a midlife crisis.

Take it further: ask your partner, “how can I help with your ambitions?”. Instead of your beloved feeling alone or even held back, you can start to become a team. Remember you are only asking how to help your partner, not how to achieve the goal for them.

7. If we had all the time in the world, what would you like us to do more of together?

Why? This question allows you to look much further into the future. Contrary to popular belief, the older we become, the happier we are. The Office for National Statistics collected data from 300,000 people and found life satisfaction improving from sixty plus, and the age group with the most positive ratings were aged seventy to seventy-four.

Take it further: encourage each other in a flight of fantasy by saying ‘yes and another thing we could do...’

🛠️ Design Questions

8. How can we make these dreams come true?

Why? After discovering what works currently in your relationship and dreaming of how it might be in the future, you take some time to think about the practical parts.

Take it further: think about your skills that might help in the project. For example,one of you might be good at research and the other at planning.

9. What could the obstacles be and how can we overcome them?

Why? You already know all the problems, like lack of time, the idea is to focus less on those and more on how to carve off enough emotional space and energy for your relationship.

Take it further: if you find yourself slipping into old negative patterns or feeling anxious, hold hands and take a few deep breaths together. It is amazing how this will help you calm down and enjoy being together right here and right now.

If you are enjoying this positive, question-based approach to connecting with your partner, you might like my book Can We Start Again Please? Twenty Questions to Fall Back in Love

🎯 And, Deliver…

10. What are the next steps each of us is going to take?

Why? According to the ancient Chinese Philosopher, Lao Tzu (601-531 BC) : ‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step’.

You are going to commit to the journey ahead by thinking about what each of you can do to make a start.

Take it further: discuss what you have enjoyed about this experience and how you can build on it. Perhaps Appreciative Inquiry could be used for other things in your life.

You will probably find that just like the beginning of your relationship, the time has evaporated, and if you’re at a restaurant the staff are beginning to worry that you’re never going to leave.

Afterwards:

Endings are just as important as beginnings. So spend some time looking into each other’s eyes again. You could finish off by taking it turns to list all the things for which you are grateful.

They will range from the profound to the silly. For example: good health, time together, chocolate and long walks. Say thank you and have a hug that is long enough for both of you to relax and melt into each other.

And what if your partner will not do it?

Present the exercise as fun rather than a test of your relationship. If you partner is frightened of being judged, he or she will be resistant to the idea. Acknowledge your own misgivings and ask about theirs. Discuss how it could be made into a more positive experience.

Perhaps doing it on Valentine’s Day adds too much pressure or your partner is tired and would rather relax. If so, fix an alternative date.

If the whole idea is still threatening ask yourselves: what can we learn from this? Why is talking about our relationship so difficult? Do we have old messages from our childhood? For example: ‘Some things are too important to talk about’ or ‘love should flow naturally’. How have these ideas served you?

Perhaps asking your partner to answer these questions feels impossible or you are afraid that he or she will be nothing but critical. If this is the case, consider getting professional help to learn how to talk constructively together.

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As always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) or use this contact form for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.

With love,
Andrew