Are your relaxation styles compatible?
And what to do if they're really, really not....
Christmas is done, the kids are back to school, and you’ve finally got some breathing room. What happens, though, if you just want unwind with some Netflix, but your partner’s idea of relaxation is to clean out the garage?
Don’t despair: by understanding the relaxation styles of each member of the family you are halfway to pleasing everybody.
This week, I outline six different relaxation styles. How many of them do you recognise in your family?
1. The Committed Sloth
Nothing will prise them off the sofa, bar stool or out of bed. Their motto is “I’ve worked hard and I deserve it.” The rest of the week has been so manic, that on weekends they will only stir themselves to grasp around for their phone and order takeaway.
Sloths come from all walks or life, but are particularly likely to be found in the ranks of teenagers.
Best/Worst Combination: A family of Sloths would seem ideal, but deep down, even the Sloth knows some chores must get done. Therefore Sloths are often drawn to their opposite.
Generally a Sloth can rub along with most people - by turning up the TV or having another drink to forget any aggro - but beware, a nagging Project Manager will drive them to despair.
If this is you: You don’t need to be told, there is nothing wrong with being a Sloth, but sometimes invigorating activity - like a trip to the gym or running in the park - can be a better pick-me up from stress.
And do be aware of how frustrating your hours on sofa can be to others.
If this is someone else in the family: Firstly, accept the inevitable and look for the benefits. If they’re still asleep on Sunday mornings, you get the house to yourself.
Secondly you need to negotiate; this will work best with your partner. Ask them to explain their pleasures and in turn explain yours. If they don’t match, try trading: I will let you lie in one week if you’ll do it my way the next.
Change never sticks unless there is a benefit for both sides.
Have you had a chance to download my FREE guide: How To Tell Your Partner Difficult Things?
2. The Perfectionist
The linen on the breakfast table should be freshly laundered, and scented candles lit throughout the home. Everybody should be washed, shaved and making interesting conversation. Later, there are day trips to the countryside, seaside or places of historic interest.
Perfectionists are most likely to say: “this will be something to tell our grandchildren.” However these men and women are easily upset by a stray cross word and rows are unthinkable.
Best/Worst Combination: Two perfectionists can make a good couple - but will have a tendency to finish each other’s sentences and generally make everybody else feel a bit queasy.
The Family Focused are also a good match for Perfectionists, but the Perfectionist’s high standards can sometimes make everybody else (and themselves) unhappy.
If this is you: Next time you are upset by the rest of the family’s behaviour, for example the kids won’t get down to their holiday homework, ask yourself what will really happen if they don’t do what you want.
The answer will be probably not very much, but that you fear that one thing will lead to another: if they don’t do their homework, they will fail all their exams and have a life of misery. So unhook this extreme, unlikely picture from the small event today, relax and enjoy your time off more.
If this is someone else in the family: Don’t be too inhibited to argue, but be aware that your partner will find long sulks unbearable. Try to deal with just the complaint at hand, rather than resurrecting other unresolved issues. If you need time off from perfection, encourage them to take a break with friends or alternatively find your own excuse to get away alone occasionally.
3. The Hobbyist
It can range from mountain climbing to building a full scale model railway in the garden, but these people have just one interest that devours all their free time.
When not either reading about it or talking with fellow devotees, they are away pursing their hobby. When a child is a hobbyist -a very keen footballer or a dancer -it can dominate the whole family’s free time, with mum or dad forever ferrying them around.
Best/Worst Combination: Anyone who will let the Hobbyist pursue their interests unhindered -like Workaholic and Sloth. If a Hobbyist’s interests include fixing things, gardens or DIY, they will be happiest with a Project Manager.
The worst match is the Family Focused, as that vital cricket match always coincides with their partner’s parent’s wedding anniversary.
If this is someone in your family: If you can’t beat them, try joining them. Some events will include partners and the chance to meet other Hobbyist partner, you might even uncover why your partner enjoys it so much. Some couples even share hobbies together. Alternatively, negotiate: trade your hard work supporting their hobby for something YOU’D appreciate more of in the relationship.
4. Family Focused
Everything revolves round the children’s weekend social activities. The parents have nothing in their diary but the kids are booked up to Christmas. When these couples do entertain, it is most likely to be a barbecue with parents and in-laws.
The Family Focused even take extended family on holiday too. They tell friends it’s so ‘there’s always someone to look after the kids’ but really, they love the comfort of family being around. The motto is: ‘family comes first.’
Best/Worst Combination: Good with Project Manager as they too are home focused. Family Focused can even cope with the Sloth if they are the stay at home type. They won’t do well with the Workaholic.
If this is you: Your love for your children and family is commendable, but sometimes it is almost as if you are afraid of you being alone with your partner. Perhaps there are some underlying issues that are not being addressed.
Sit your partner down and ask: what will happen when the children leave home? This discussion should bring the unspoken to the surface. In the long term, the kids will also benefit from your strengthened relationship too.
If this is someone else in the family: Make sure, if this is your partner, that the two of you get time alone together, otherwise you will be forever Mummy and Daddy rather than lovers and in the long term this can be harmful.
So instead of all the family togetherness, why not surprise them with some spontaneous date nights? They’ll most likely find that they love the time focused intensely on you, rather than the kids’ calendars.
5. Project Manager
They start the weekend with a list of jobs - either on paper or more likely in their head. Often they are disappointed because the decorating, fridge defrosting or shed building always takes longer than planned. Most likely to say: ‘it’s got to be done.’
Best/Worst Combination: They like a challenge, so they will sometimes marry a sloth and expect to whip them into shape. As everybody needs fun they will also be drawn to a Perfectionist and if they learn to negotiate, will be happy together. Least happy with a Workaholic.
If this is you: Try and get some balance back into your life, so that you are not always trying to achieve something. If the house needs a lot of work, take mini breaks so you don’t go straight from having a new kitchen installed to overhauling the garden.
If this is someone else in the family: Never say ‘yes’ to keep the peace, when you have no intention of doing the job sometime soon. In the long term this strategy brings seething resentment and a terrible row. Much better to negotiate a time scale and explain why a job could take longer. You will find Project Managers open to this business like approach. Finally ask for a reward for a job completed - maybe a weekend off!
6. The Workaholic
The Workaholic will pop upstairs for just half an hour on the computer, but will still working when you go to bed and probably finish at about 3am. They’re always willing to listen, as long as you don’t mind sharing their attention with a spreadsheet.
There is always some golden time promised in the future. ‘I’ll be less busy, honest’ but seldom deliver on their promises. Most likely to say: ‘but I’m doing this all for you.’
Sometimes the Workaholic is a parent who can’t even sit down in front of the TV unless they have something to do with their hands - like making costumes for the school show.
Best/Worst Combination - Workaholics can be happy with a Hobbyist -who is wrapped up in their own projects - and most stressed by Family Focused. It is unlikely they will have settled down with a Perfectionist. They are likely to resent Sloth.
If this is you:Although occasionally tired, you are very proud of how much you get done. But be aware that it can give other people pleasure to look after you for a change.Although you could probably do it better and quicker yourself-and it’s no trouble - let your partner or the kids spoil you occasionally.
If this is someone else in the family: When home life is tense, many people become very work focused.They think: ‘at least I’m appreciated there.’ They become hard to criticise, as in our society work has become the new religion.
Don’t confront the lack of shared relaxation time when you’re angry or feeling let down. It will only be interpreted as criticism, instead wait until you’ve calmed down. If they really are a confirmed workaholic, rather than a very hard worker, the best solution is get on with your own personal weekend plans rather than forever being let down over joint ones.
In other news, my latest podcast episode is all about sleep and insomnia. If the “gift of the night” feels elusive to you, listen to my interview with therapist and spiritual teacher Philip Carr-Gomm, who has just written a book on improving your sleep.
And as always, if it feels like the right time to start marital therapy, send an email to Tricia (tricia@andrewgmarshall.com) for a virtual or in-person appointment with one of my team of therapists in London, or with me here in Berlin.
With love,
Andrew